not just right
*✧The answer is always kindness. (not a cult btw)✧*
Most days, my body felt like a cage. Perhaps a prison, one I couldn’t escape from. At its height, I could hardly leave my house, or even my bed, for weeks or months, sometimes dragging myself out of bed on unimaginable amounts of medication to make it through a course. I couldn’t move many muscles of my body, it felt like my entire body was swollen, I woke up vomiting and heaving often, and I could hardly hold myself up to take a five-minute walk with my dog. I’d have many pre-fainting (pre-syncope) episodes, triggered by an overactive fight-or-flight response. Doctors were unable to find much besides hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and a history of many broken bones. I had partial paralysis throughout my body, a pinched nerve in my spinal cord, suspected nerve compression, and chronic muscle tension that physicians audibly gasped at. My heart rate would often dip into the high 40s and low 50s, then spike to 120+ when standing more than a minute or two. My hips were entirely immobile, and I unknowingly walked with my lower back, moving my legs. I couldn’t move my neck much at all, and I compensated with other muscles. Diagnosed with chronic illness, EDS, and a host of other conditions, my life was defined by pain and a constant, debilitating anxiety.
Through a slow, persistent, and often terrifying process of listening to my body, I have reclaimed my life. I no longer live in a state of disability, fear, or borrowed time (though I will say this is a recent development, I would’ve waited longer to share what I’ve accomplished but I’ve been asked to share, and I will happily do so).
This was not a miracle. It was the result of applying a specific, logical framework to a complex problem. The core principle is a dialectic that governs all of us: a constant, creative balancing act between Structure and Creativity (balance, flow). This guide is a step-by-step account of how I learned to move from a state of rigid, painful Structure back into a dynamic, integrated flow. None of the following is medical advice, only a description of what I, an associate psychotherapist, learned through my own journey. It was incredibly difficult, and began largely in graduate school in 2022. It’s 2025 and I’m still in the journey now. Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished (Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching). Much of the work feels like watching paint dry, or waiting for a kettle to boil while you starve next to the stove, drooling over a box of uncooked macaroni. Still, the fruit of my labor was nothing short of extraordinary.
That being said, my work did come with a price. I fell behind at work, undoubtedly let some clients down while I had to cancel sessions (due to health, healing, appointments, or otherwise), had to part ways with my Ph.D. program, and had difficulties in my workplace (fortunately, I was able to continue as an assessment coordinator in a supervisory position, but this was a close call). All things that are worth it take time. I truly do believe that anything is possible, and anyone can achieve what they want. Many people think that they “aren’t good” at one skill or another, because they aren’t an expert the first time they try. However, what these novice experts fail to understand is that everything is effort. All good things, truly profound points of progress that border on miracles, take effort. This was possible because I wanted it. And it’s not a matter of effortless want (though at times, action in nonaction was absolutely paramount), if you truly want something you must try with every fiber of your being. I did this, and my hope for a small improvement in my quality of life healed me in ways I previously thought were impossible. Some days I wonder how I could’ve done this, then I recall that the recent rise of AI is, well, recent. Additionally, I’ve been wire-fed since age 7 or 8 and online ever since. I’m now reaching the precipice of my career in my early thirties, am well-established in my field, and have a bit of work under my belt. AI is in its public infancy, and I happen to be quite well-versed in things that grow on the World Wide Web. So in many ways, this may not have been possible much sooner than I found it. I hope the guide I’ve put together helps you in some way. My only reason to keep going at times was the hope of helping others, so thank you. This is not quick, yet it’s worth the effort. However, I’m person-centered in my approach and believe that you must find your own motivation to make the effort worthwhile. This document is a map of a journey that took years, a story of how a body, trapped in a silent prison of chronic tension and neurological disarray, learned to find its way back to freedom. It is for anyone who feels "stuck"—in their body, in their mind, in a life defined by symptoms that defy easy explanation.
The secret ingredient was, and always has been, and always will be, compassion. Kindness is the answer, and never underestimate its power.
This guide is for anyone who feels "stuck"—in their body, in their mind, in a life defined by symptoms that defy easy explanation. It is not about a quick fix. It is a map of a journey that took years, a story of how a body, trapped in a silent prison of chronic tension and neurological disarray, learned to find its way back to freedom. The fortress was a place of chronic, crushing tension and neurological chaos. I was bed-bound for months at a time. My body was in a state of partial paralysis, not from a spinal cord injury, but from the crushing weight of chronic muscle tension that was compressing my nerves and restricting blood flow. My hips were immobile, walking caused bones to dislocate and subluxate, and my lymph nodes were hard as rocks. My stomach was so guarded I couldn't bear to have it touched. Diagnosed with chronic illness, EDS, and a host of other conditions, my life was defined by pain and a constant, debilitating anxiety.
The chronic tension that trapped me lived in two places: my body and my mind. To understand this, we can look at a concept called Polyvagal Theory. In simple terms, this theory describes how our vagus nerve—a long nerve that connects the brain to our organs—constantly scans for danger and safety. This nerve runs from our brainstem to our digestive tract, and is essential for making neurotransmitters for our brain to feel safe and calm. Without a well-versed vagus nerve, the brain cannot calm itself, which can wreak havoc on both our mind and our nervous systems. Your body's nervous system has different modes:
Moving forward: the path onwards exists beyond these realms, on to a flow state. The goal isn't to "fix" a broken system, but to guide it out of the fortress and back into the safety of connection. The most powerful tool for this is your breath. For those who don’t feel safe in their bodies, humming, chewing gum, or blowing bubbles can be a good first step to take. Any progress is worthwhile, and each person is unique and needs unique approaches to nourish their nervous system. Our world lives in a state of fight-or-flight: dopamine hits flood your notifications, advertisements muddy our visual fields, and if we want to even connect with others, we push our minds to a heightened state when staring at our phone screens. Tunnel vision was made for keeping us safe from predators, yet we live in a constant state of fight-or-flight each time we open our phones to talk to someone, each moment we try to unwind and watch television, or even when we go to our jobs and are greeted with monitors laced with blue-light.
Before trying to force big changes, we can use simple, intentional breathwork to send a signal of safety to the nervous system. The goal is not to "breathe away" the pain, but to show your body it's safe to rest and move again. I understand this is cliché advice, but the first step will always be feeling safe in your body. Until you find a method (even if it’s only when you’re alone, only in the shower, only when you’re singing, or only blowing bubbles, it will work as a point to start).
Simple Practice: The Slow, Quiet Exhale
This simple act of slowing the exhale activates the part of your nervous system that promotes rest and digestion, and begins to soften the "fortress" from the inside out. I had to do this while I was alone at night, as this was the only time I felt safe in my own body (and this came after years of work—many aren’t alone in this, sadly).
Before beginning the practical steps, it is crucial to understand the language of your own nervous system. These concepts are the map for the territory you are about to navigate.
Think of your wellbeing as a dynamic equilibrium (e.g., balanced way of being).
“Nothing in the world is as soft and yielding as water. Yet for dissolving the hard and inflexible, nothing can surpass it.”—Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching. Healing is about finding this balance—being soft enough to be flexible, yet structured enough to be strong. This is not a quick fix, but a deliberate process that harnesses the power of neuroplasticity—the brain's ability to rewire itself. By consciously and consistently creating new patterns, we can literally build new neural pathways that support peace and safety, rather than a state of chronic fight-or-flight.
A traumatized nervous system gets "stuck" in survival responses. The goal of healing is to move from these stuck states into Flow, a state of dynamic equilibrium. This table expands on the connection between these states and their physical and mental manifestations, based on the principles of Polyvagal Theory and somatic psychology.
| State | Imbalance | Time/Focus | The Body's Armor (Stored Tension) | Common Mental/Physical Conditions |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Fight | Pathological Creativity | Present/External | Jaw, neck, shoulders, arms. | Anxiety, aggression, hypertension, TMJ. |
| Flight | Pathological Creativity | Future/External | Legs, hips (psoas), lower back. | Restlessness, panic disorders, chronic pain. |
| Freeze | Pathological Structure | Past/Internal | Deep core, diaphragm (can lead to collapse). | Dissociation, FND, POTS, depression, CFS. |
| Fawn | Pathological Structure | Present/External | Chest, throat, pelvic floor. | Codependency, autoimmune conditions. |
| Flow | Dynamic Equilibrium | Present/Integrated | Relaxed but engaged core. | Calm, connected, creative, and stable. |
This journey is not linear. Before beginning, it is critical to have a foundation of safety: a safe place to heal, trusted supports (people or tools), and medical clearance to ensure your symptoms are not from another acute condition. It is a balance of trusting yourself and seeking evidence-based guidance. PLEASE READ THIS GUIDE IN ENTIRETY BEFORE ATTEMPTING IT. CONSULT A HEALTHCARE PROVIDER. SEEK SUPPORT, SAFETY, AND STABILITY. THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE, ONLY A GUIDE I MADE BASED ON WHAT WORKED FOR ME. THANK YOU ☺
You cannot release tension from a body that does not feel strong enough to support itself. This phase is about building the foundational Structure of safety and strength. Additionally, consult a healthcare provider to determine if any holistic practices are unsafe for you. Before releasing tension, you must feel safe in your body and have the strength to carry on. I had to build neck strength through physical therapy as well as the ability to feel safe enough to take deep breaths. By gently strengthening and moving our bodies, we are not just building physical muscle. We are sending new signals to our brain, teaching it that the body is no longer in a state of constant threat. This is a direct application of neuroplasticity, as we create new connections that link movement with safety and calm.
I had to become a student of my own anatomy, looking up physical therapy techniques to understand which muscles were supposed to be doing which job. Google Gemini, which I trained to check peer-reviewed sources, not glaze me, and not engage in anything bordering on delusion was another large help. If it hurts, pay attention—if my spine wasn’t straight, I’d wake up with asleep limbs, backed up blood, and a head full of fluid. Anatomy diagrams and physical therapy guides will be your friend. The internet is your friend. POSTURE, POSTURE, POSTURE: if you hold your neck/back/hips/etc. in the anatomically incorrect position, muscle release that comes later can be hazardous! This is crucial to practice first. You might need to make ergonomic adjustments with hobbies, work, school, etc. Get doctor’s notes if you can—I needed some to get larger office chairs to support my neck, for example. I also needed doctor’s notes to work later in the day so I wasn’t burned out. Advocate for yourself. This isn’t something you can push through. Your breathing creates chemicals in your brain to make you calm, don’t underestimate it. Fuel is necessary: I’m vegan, and largely whole-food, plant-based. This may have gone differently on a different diet, so I wanted to add an addendum. I discovered I was using the wrong muscles for basic functions like walking and holding up my head (specifically, the suboccipital muscles—these are the lil weird muscle structures of muscles on the back of the skull—Google for pics). Learning to use muscles like your jugulars and deep spine/neck muscles/etc. isn’t always easy—this process alone may take months. I had a prior neck fracture and multiple trauma points so I started far behind. Shoulder strength was another I had to build to release tension and hold my head up later on—I already had leg/hip strength from cycling. Posture is not intuitive when your body map is distorted. I encourage you to seek physical therapy and online guides on how to gently and safely work on strengthening and/or releasing them if you choose to go this route.
Gentle Activation: "Strength training" was not about going to the gym. It was about simple, at-home exercises—gentle arm presses, tiny neck movements—to wake up the deep, stabilizing muscles that had been "offline" for years. Many of us use suboccipital muscles to look at phones or even hold our heads up, especially if we’re neurodivergent. These muscles were made for finding predators, not for looking at a screen. These easily activate a heightened response. This heightened response and buildup of tension/lymphatic fluid may be responsible for a wide variety of health issues; many with CFS (chronic fatigue) have a buildup of fluid surrounding these muscles. Your body needs to be OUT of fight-or-flight: this doesn’t mean you can “make it” through the day, it means you don’t feel panicked at one noise, one small trigger isn’t going to lead to irritability, you know how to take breaks when you need to, and you can do a deep breath. This is arguably the most important step. Screen/blue-light detox, isolation, etc. may be necessary and for many, it isn’t attainable. I’m privileged to be able to take time and space, but I understand not everyone has this luxury. For some, tapering off of unneeded medications may also be reasonable with proper medical supervision; I had to come off of benzos for this to work. The chronic "tunnel vision" of a fight-or-flight state is a real physiological phenomenon caused by tension in the ocular muscles. To combat this, I used several techniques:
Building its "tone" is non-negotiable for calming the system. Every breath, every moment of mindfulness, and every intentional calming practice directly stimulates the vagus nerve. Over time, this consistent stimulation helps to re-train the autonomic nervous system. We are literally creating a new, more resilient neurological feedback loop that can effectively regulate our internal state, moving us from a reactive to a responsive mode.
Core Technique: Deep, Diaphragmatic Breathing (this means trying to get your breathe to move down your throat. This is something that takes time—it may be a while before you feel your breath in your belly. Even an inch further is wonderful progress).
Simple Vagal Toning Exercises: Humming, singing, gargling, and gentle cold exposure. Some devices exist to stimulate the nerve, and dozens of videos on Tiktok, Youtube, the internet, somatic therapy workbooks, and some somatic therapists, as well as physical therapists can also help you succeed here. You need to be able to take a breath at least into the beginning of your stomach. It helps me to imagine a tiny set of lungs into the part of my body I’d later go on to release muscles in. Once you have posture and breath, combine them: you need good posture to move on to the muscle release step.
Reduce Sensory Overload: When my nervous system was at its most sensitive, I had to engage in a radical blue light and small screen detox. BLUE LIGHTS ACTIVATE FIGHT OR FLIGHT: get the heaviest dimming, blue-light, light-mode filter you need. I needed to take a break from contact lenses and even glasses at one point. Blue light mimics daytime. I also couldn’t go into a store without having an episode.
IF YOU HAVE VASOVAGAL SYNCOPE SYMPTOMS (dizzy/lightheaded/near-fainting or fainting/low blood pressure or pulse, tremors), when in hot, stuffy, high-movement, loud, bright environments, or anything stressful, please take it SLOW, work with your doctor, and lie down until it passes—I was repeatedly getting up with my blood pressure low when panicked, which looped my progress. Deep breaths were essential in this phase, please look up vasovagal syncope/presyncope and consult a provider if this sounds like you. ***this does NOT mean you can’t engage in this work—per contra, it likely means you *need* to retrain your nervous system to escape the eternal freeze state that comes with fainting and/or near-fainting with stress. Similar advice could be given for other forms of dysautonomia—I needed salt, sugar, and water by me 24/7 and a watch to monitor vitals helped me tremendously. It was excruciatingly boring to lie down 30 minutes to work up the nerve to use the bathroom or eat a small meal. If you have support, use it. If you have a safe person to be with you, have them be with you. Get headphones, noise cancelation, or find a park, ocean, etc., to feel safe. Sometimes I used my office late in the evening to practice breathing, or I sat alone in my car. Wherever you feel safest is the place to start. For about two weeks, I had to avoid all LED screens, replacing the lights in my home with yellow halogens and using only e-ink devices (I like the brand Boox). For 2-3 of the most intense days, it was zero screens whatsoever. Any screen exposure would trigger a vasovagal syncope episode that took hours to recover from.
Trust Your Body & Become an Advocate: I had to learn to trust my body's signals and use external, evidence-based tools (research, AI, doctors) to validate my experience. This included a great deal of grounding and reality testing, especially in moments of intense sensory experience.
Once a baseline of strength and safety is established, the active work of engaging with the body's stored tension can begin. This step is where you will see the quickest results, though it takes preparation, trust, and practice. Releasing the chronic tension held in our bodies is a physical act with a neurological consequence. As the 'armor' softens, we are deactivating old, rigid neurological pathways that were formed during times of stress and trauma. In their place, we are now free to build new, more flexible pathways that support a state of 'flow' and creative expression.
The body's fascia—a thin web of connective tissue that encases and connects every muscle, organ, and nerve—is where the physical memory of trauma is held. It is the literal fabric of our "Trauma Structure". Healing is not just about relaxing muscles; it's about rehydrating and unwinding this stuck tissue.
This is a process of deep listening and gentle, sustained pressure to invite a release. Pressure-point release can be self-directed, though one should always consult guides. I watched many videos on trigger-point release, read guides on this style of massage, etc. Additionally, I used techniques I learned in physical therapy. When I would find one part of the body was stuck, it would often cascade into another muscle group, and so on. I often looked up physical therapy techniques, watched TikTok videos, etc. At times due to my hEDS I had to literally put my bones back in their proper places. This can be dangerous, and I don’t recommend doing this all like I did. However, I did always follow evidence-based systems to continue my muscle tension releases. I didn’t feel safe enough in my body to be around anyone else, nor could I have a massage performed on me by anyone else. It would be safer and likely more enjoyable if I did. During this time, I continued strength-training, especially in my neck. This will look different for different people. As I released tension in one part of my body, I often found myself quickly finding tension in another point, and so on. I felt as though I was coming online or stepping into my body. Sometimes I’d get “stuck” in old poses I had during my past traumas, or I’d wake up feeling that my skin couldn’t support the way I’d been stretching. It was genuinely jarring and frightening many times. I regularly followed-up with doctors as well due to my own health conditions. Each morning, I do a full-body stretch with light yoga and physical therapy.
Gentle Movement: Practices like Tai Chi, reminding myself to be like water (e.g., fluid, changeable, strong, gentle), and going on as many walks as I could stand. I also have a stationary bike I used as much as tolerable.
The Trauma-Lymphatic Pathway: The lymphatic system is the body's waste-clearance network. Unlike the circulatory system, it has no central pump and relies on muscle movement and deep breathing to circulate. The chronic muscular tension of the "Trauma Structure" physically impedes lymphatic flow, trapping hormones (e.g, toxic stuff released during anxiety, stress, etc.), inflammatory byproducts, and literal water weight in the tissues. This stagnation is a direct contributor to brain fog, fatigue (CFS), and a host of physical symptoms. For me, this manifested as hard-as-a-rock lymph nodes, chronic UTIs, yeast infections, stomachaches, acid reflux, and incomplete bladder/bowel movements. I suspect it played a large role in muscle tension as well. The lymphatic system is largely overlooked and understudied in modern medicine, and I may have started with this step if I re-did this process, though I’m not sure I could do one without the other. An alternate method is dry-brushing, I took a harsher and likely less safe approach, dry-brushing is likely a gentler way to begin and I would have taken this method first when beginning if I could redo things.
The Intervention: Manual lymphatic drainage was a critical step. This involved weeks of gentle, specific self-massage to encourage the movement of fluid. The Experience: This process was uncomfortable. It led to days of being tired, groggy, thirsty, and super bloated as my body processed and cleared the accumulated waste. Somatically, it felt as though the "water" in my body was where trauma flashbacks were held. Releasing the fluid was releasing the memories. Make sure you have plenty of water on hand, as well as easy-to-digest whole foods that are low in oil, and easily absorbable vitamins. During this process, I felt muscles more or less come back/on for the first time. I was able to release my hips, shoulders, etc. through this and fascial release, and breathwork. At times I had body flashbacks to past trauma, so ensure you’re well-supported.
Diet, supplementation, and medication tapering, as outlined previously.
This journey is incredibly difficult and lonely. The path is not linear, and the tools required can change. This framework represents my path forward, but it is not the end of the journey. The beauty of neuroplasticity is that it is a lifelong process. I am still learning, still growing, and still finding new layers of freedom and creativity within myself. The key is not to achieve a static state of 'healed,' but to embrace the ongoing process of building a life where we can continuously adapt, learn, and live in 'flow'.
Alternative & Complementary Pathways: While I primarily relied on self-directed techniques, other valid pathways are essential to consider. Modalities like acupuncture and professional myofascial trigger point massage are powerful tools for releasing stored tension when a safe therapeutic alliance can be formed. Spiritual practices, whatever they may be for an individual, can also provide a profound source of support and meaning. The shaking often seen in clients, for example, is a classic neurogenic tremor, which is the body's natural way of releasing stored traumatic energy.
The Neurodivergent Experience (Autism): Being autistic added another layer of complexity. A lifetime of having my internal reality questioned or dismissed made it incredibly hard to trust my own perceptions. This created a profound need for reality testing with external, logical sources to confirm that my experiences were real and not "psychotic."
Modern Society as a Threat: Our modern world constantly pushes our nervous systems into a "fight-or-flight" state. Screens enhance tunnel vision, a physiological threat response. We rely on phones for our most basic human needs—social connection, validation, even sexual expression—all through a device that is inherently dysregulating. The constant dopamine-seeking loop keeps our systems in a state of high alert, turning us against one another.
The Critical Role of Support & The Reality of Privilege: You do not have to do this alone, but you must have people who support you. My small support system was essential. At the same time, this intensive healing process requires a significant amount of time, energy, and resources (clean air, clean food, financial stability). I had to take time off work. Not everyone will have these privileges. Community support can and should serve as that privilege. A group of people committed to supporting each other can create the collective safety net that allows for this deep healing.
The Foundational Principle: Self-Compassion: The most important prerequisite is to let go of judgment and ego. The body has its own timeline. The process cannot be rushed. You must give yourself time to rest, to be unproductive, and to trust that even in stillness, profound work is being done.
This guide is based on a synthesis of lived experience and the work of pioneering researchers in the fields of trauma, neuroscience, and somatic psychology.